What Postpartum Depression Feels Like

If you keep up with this blog/newsletter, you know that my wife and I welcomed a baby girl on 12.19.19. Rather than write an article about postpartum depression, I will be sharing an Instagram post that Rachel shared last week when Mya Jayn was officially a month old.

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Well, baby girl is 4-weeks old. That’s still crazy to me that we have made it a whole month. It doesn’t feel like it has been that long but I also cannot imagine what life was like before she was here.
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But, I have to be real for a second. Like really real. As much as I want to write about the joy of being a new parent and how much I have loved watching her grow over the last month, I am finding it hard to do that.
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To be honest, I started writing this while I wiped away the tears that were streaming down my face. I am continuing to write this while she is sleeping on my chest, the only place I have been able to get her to sleep all day today. I am writing this while I try to hold it together even though I feel like falling apart and, oh, I have. Many, many times.
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You see, I was recently diagnosed with postpartum depression. The diagnosis was just a confirmation of something I already knew and have known since she was born. Giving birth to her was rough. Like I’m still angry about how it all went down…rough. I am beyond thankful that she is here and she is healthy but, it was still rough.
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I have felt like a failure most days. I know I’m not. But, that doesn’t stop the irrational thoughts from taking over. I have so much love for her while simultaneously feeling as though I have failed her. It’s not an easy place to be.
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Motherhood is lonely. They don’t tell you this in all the books. They don’t tell you that there will be moments when you just need to walk away and sob while your baby cries in the other room. They don’t tell you that the relentless anxiety takes your breath away some days as you work to convince yourself that she is fine, you are fine, everyone is fine.
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But the important reminder through all of this is that it is ok to not be ok! It is so necessary to reach out for help. Even though it can feel lonely, it shouldn’t be something you combat alone.
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If you or someone you know is struggling with depressive symptoms postpartum, there is help! Rachel is tending to her symptoms by attending therapy and by taking medication prescribed by her primary care physician. Don’t suffer in silence!

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